1. Go slow. Yes, there is a time for hot, fast, passionate lovemaking but it is not everyday that your lover is returning from combat or a six month self-realization trip to India. There is no rush. Take your time and be in the moment. Take your time and notice all of your senses being stimulated. How does your lover smell? How does the skin of your lover feel? How do they look when receiving pleasure or when giving pleasure to you? Look into their eyes as you move together and see what emotions you see. How does their mouth taste? Their skin? Their privatest parts? Always make sure that you offer your best self to your lover: the one that is clean, beautiful, and smells good. It is a mistake to shave, apply makeup, put on cologne or perfume, or wear nice clothing only when going out. Do not do these things for passing strangers. Do them for your lover whose opinion of you really counts and who you want to be attracted to you.
2. There are more body parts than the penis, breasts, and vagina. Of course, give ample attention to these parts but what about the stomach, the neck, the back of the elbow, or the lower back? All of these parts are highly erogenous. Ask your lover what part is “their spot”- most people have a very clearly defined one. Cover the whole body with kisses; massage the feet; turn your lover over and cover the back of the body too; use light feather touches; grip them firmly and passionately; run your fingers through your lover’s hair.
3. THIS IS IMPORTANT. Honestly evaluate yourself: are you a good kisser? Do you come in for the kill like a freight train? Well, it’s not a kill; it’s a kiss on a highly sensitive and delicate mouth. Come in slow, or fast but still gently if the occasion calls for it. Do you use your tongue properly or do you use it overbearingly or not at all? Kissing is like a balanced conversation: your tongue goes in then your partners tongue goes in, then your tongue, etc. etc. Don’t shove it in like a rigid snake. Keep it relaxed and fluid. Be creative. Gently suck the lower lip and then the upper lip. Tease your partner by pulling away for a second or two. If you are not positive that you are a good kisser, I really encourage you to ask your partner for feedback. Hell, kiss a friend and ask for feedback if you do not have a partner. Kissing is a first impression. Relationships are made or broken because of kissing quality.
4. Don’t be afraid to tell your partner what you like, even if you think it is weird. Ask your partner what they like and do not judge them for liking what they do. Ten years ago if you told me I would enjoy rope bondage, I would have thought you were insane. But I kept an open mind when I found a partner who liked it and I found something that turns me on very much. I was able to share it with that partner and in fact it brought us closer- physically AND emotionally. I used to think only Silence of the Lamb type freaks cross dressed but now I find it cute and even sexy. I like to watch a man-in-lingerie dress up show. A key rule of thumb when it comes to sexual quirks and kinks: Do not judge and do not ask why. Just keep an open mind, be creative, and have fun. Sex is adult play time. Be uninhibited, like a child.
5. Don’t apologize for dysfunction. This is more obvious when it happens to men of course but women can also be sexually dysfunctional. Talk to your partner about it. Know that it happens to everybody, of all ages. Be OK with making love that may not culminate with an orgasm. What else besides intercourse can you do to feel close and physically satisfied? A limp penis or an non-lubricated vagina does not absolutely signify the end of sexual activity and in fact, it can be a great opportunity to try something new with your partner. What about a sexy massage with oil or a hot make out session just like you used to do in high school? Roll with it and if necessary, address it with your doctor. Chances are, your partner is not judging you poorly for sexual dysfunction and if they are, it may be time to find someone else to be intimate with. Don’t judge yourself.